Big Daddy Gettin Ready for War
by Flagg1991
Summary: Big Daddy Lincoln Loud finds out about Gold Cock Binkie Lincy...but first he has to deal with yet another wack ass pimp.


**I bet some of you are getting tired of this shit. It's funny, though, and if you aren't having fun with your writing, what's the point?**

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 **Lyrics to** _ **Give up the Funk**_ **by Parliament (1975)**

Big Daddy Lincoln Loud was sitting on his Pimp Throne, which was made of solid gold and encrusted with rubies, diamonds, and emeralds. His legs were crossed, his ringed fingers gripped the arms, and his cane rested across his lap. Lori and Leni stood on either side, fanning him with palm fronds: Both were dressed in loin clothes with they titties hanging out. He lifted a gold Pimp Chalice filled with Lean to his lips, the light catching and refracting off of the jewel inlay. One of the extra Lenis sat on her knees with her hands resting on her thighs, waiting for the moment Big Daddy took mercy on her and allowed her to suck his dick.

Done with his sisurp, he tossed the chalice aside: It clattered to the floor and rolled under his bed, which was nearly made with a leopard print blanket. Lynn lay on top of it, her head propped in her palm. She was naked except for big black stripper boots. She watched Big Daddy with longing eyes. She was close to begging for his Pimp Touch.

Suddenly, a rift in the fabric of reality opened. Moving at Pimp Speed, he snatched his cane and threw up a Pimp Shield: He could see out but no one could see in.

The rift grew wider, and Big Daddy's brow darkened as a face appeared. "Yo, Frankenho! Get yo ass in here!"

The door opened and Lisa came in. She was wearing a white lab coat with fishnet stockings. He didn't pimp out his younger sisters, but once they hit the big 1-2, they asses was fair game, and he wanted them to get used to looking like the hos they would one day be. He nodded toward the rift. "Who's this broke ass, chipped-tooth ass lookin' nigga in my face?"

"That's Gold Cock Binkie Lincy, sir, one of the mightiest pimps in all of Pimpdom."

"Pfft. That nigga look wack. Got a face like a plate full of mayonnaise. I bet his Pimp Hand weak too."

"Sir," Lisa said, "one wave of his Pimp Hand reversed the Holocaust: All the Jews came back to life and started working for him."

Big Daddy waved his hand in a dismissive gesture. "Fuck that nigga. Why his peepin' tom ass lookin' at _me,_ though?"

"He's displeased that you stole Lynn back."

"Fuck that snaggle-tooth, frontin' pimp-wannabe motherfucka. Ima go slap the freckles off his dumb lookin' face."

Big Daddy started to get up. "Sir, wait!" Lisa cried. "His respect is equal to yours...if not greater. You should leave him alone."

Big Daddy froze. His Pimp Hand started to glow purple with Pure Respect. Next door, Mr. Grouse got his first erection in twenty years, in D.C. Donald Trump's dick grew five sizes, and in her evil underground lair, Hillary Clinton bowed down. "You sayin' that circle-faced, cowlick-havin', busted-his-teeth-on-some-fat-dick mothafucka is better than me?"

"Sir, he –"

Big Daddy bowed his head and shook it slightly, then began to rub his hands. "Is Big Daddy gonna have to choke a bitch?"

Lisa's face paled. "Please, sir, you –"

"Is Big Daddy _really_ gonna have to choke a bitch today?"

He stepped down from his throne and swaggered forward. Lisa looked terrified. Thinking fast, she said, "Wait! Before you battle Gold Cock, there's another pimp who poses a threat to you. A weaker pimp."

Big Daddy looked up. "What his bitch-ass name?"

"Limp Dong Kong."

"Where this flaccid-dick nigga at?"

"Another reality."

Ten minutes later, Big Daddy, back bowed and knees bent, snatched one of his Lenis by the hand. "C'mon, Yandere Bitch, you rollin' with _me_." In the driveway, his Transdimensional Low Rider waited. It was purple with chrome spinners, a dope sound system, and zebra print seat covers. Fuzzy dice hung from the rearview mirror. Leni got into the passenger seat and Big Daddy got behind the wheel. He turned the key in the ignition and music so funky it turned every honey who heard it into one of Big Daddy's hos drifted from the speakers.

 _You've got a real type of thing going down, gettin' down_

 _There's a whooollle lot of rhythm going round_

 _You've got a real type of thing going down, gettin' down_

 _There's a whooollle lot of rhythm going round_

Big Daddy punched their destination into the funk capacitor, and then hit the gas, tearing through the fabric of reality. Suddenly they were in a different world. The Loud girls stood in a big group on a street corner in fishnets and leather. Big Daddy slowed. "Look at this nigga, sellin' his younger sisters too. The fuck wrong with this busted ass gimp?" He pulled to a stop, grabbed his cane, and imbued it with Pimp Power, turning it into an AK-47 with a bottomless clip. He leaned out the window. "Brace yo'selves, fool!" He lifted it and raked the competition's stock with Pimp Fury. They all jerked and spun and cried out as they fell to the pavement. Their blood sluiced into the gutter and down a drain. A clown's face appeared. "Umm, lunch time!"

Big Daddy shot that wacky-ass nigga too.

Next he drove over to LDK's house. He could feel Respect in the air. Leni started to bow, but he snatched her up by her hair. "Sit yo ass down, bitch." He parked and strutted up to the door, opening it and walking in without knocking. LDK sat on a throne made of money. He wore a baggy jersey with the number 1 on it, saggin' jeans, Phat Pharms, and a big gold chain around his neck.

His face darkened. "What the _fuck_ is yo' Prince lookin' ass doin' walkin' up in my crib?"

"Bitch, I'm here to take yo shit." He pointed at Lori's daughter. "That's mine now." He pointed at Dad. " _That's_ mine now." He pointed at the throne. "And _that's_ mine now. Get yo Marshall Mathers on crack lookin' ass off my throne and get yo'self on the street. You got work to do."

LDK jumped up and rolled his neck. "I know you ain't talkin' to _me_ like that lookin' like Grimace ass from McDonald's."

Big Daddy transferred his cane to his left hand and flexed his right: Respect radiated through the land like a hydrogen bomb blast: Entire cities collapsed, the Statue of Liberty bowed down, and a billion women spontaneously gave birth to full-grown pimps. LDK's Respect was drained from his body, and he collapsed to his knees. Big Daddy walked up, grabbed him by the front of his jersey, and looked down at him.

"You _my_ ho now."

"Fuck yo Barney-lookin' ass, nigga."

Big Daddy's pimp hand glowed. He drew it back and unleashed a Slap of such force that LDK's rotten meth teeth flew out of his head. Total Respect and Understanding filled him: It gushed out of his nose and ears and eyes as a purple light. He screamed, and purple shot out in a throbbing shaft. His body turned to meth, and Big Daddy scooped it up for later sale.

"C'mon, hos," Big Daddy said, "ya'll _my_ property now."

Back in his world, he sat back on his throne. "Now, 'bout this wack-ass, fake-ass, thot-ass, sour cream in a snowstorm lookin' cracka Gold Cock...Ima invade his world and take his shit too."

"But, sir," Lisa said.

Big Daddy held up his Pimp Hand, and a ball of purple energy shot out. Lisa was instantly transformed into a fine ass curvy cutie with big tits and an ass that'll make you slap your grandma. She looked down at herself in shocked wonder. "Get yo' bitch ass on the street."


End file.
